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*Dreams End has now been faved 100 times personal milestone - thanks to everyone who's read it, thanks to everyone who's faved it, thanks to Miya for the pic which helped make it as popular as it is*


right...well...it's been around 2 months since i last posted a journal entry, so i thought it was about time for another one. also, just general conclusions about life have been made, and info regarding my future committment to DeviantART.

it's coming up now to my second anniversary here on DeviantART, during which time i've met many people i'd now regard as being friends. Most of the people i have met share, in varying modes and intensities, my desire for a form of escapism from life (though phrasing it in this way may not be the most appropriate) and an enjoyment found in reading works of fiction by the fans of a show we've pretty much all grown up with.

kinda decided to write my own mini autobiography...dunno why, seems appropriate - i've reached a milestone in life lol

Of the past

i've enjoyed my time here thus far, largely due to the friendship shown by the people who are a part of the AaML community on DeviantART and, though my activities recently have been limited, and even then those are not AaML related, i've still been keeping track of everything going on with the whole AaML side of things that brought me to DeviantART in the first place. seems funny really, nearly two years ago (and it seems longer) i first made an account here and began submitting every AaML picture i could find from Google - and i think it is testimony to the kind nature of many people here who did not complain about my activities to the friendly DA admins, even though their own work may well have been amongst those deviations i foolishly submitted.

might as well skip forward, it's coming up to 3 in the morning and i usually ramble a lot around now - just skim read all the random crap it's not really important.

anyway, eventually (and once i'd been corrected in my understanding of the rules of DeviantART) i then turned my attention to trying to emulate the great fanfiction writers i found on Fanfiction.net in the months before joining DA. i'd been reading AaML fanfiction ever since i woke up strangely early one morning and caught the end of the movie Pokemon 4eva being shown on ITV of all places - something clicked then. i remembered how much fun i'd had as a lil kid with the cards, the games, the anime and, despite being...14? at the time, i found something in that 10 minute film clip that really appealed to me. i wanted to catch up with everything that had happened in the years since i'd stopped watching the show - was promptly horrified by two things. firstly they'd changed all the voice actors (Ash's voice is getting steadily deeper, he'll end up being voiced by Vin Diesil in a few seasons time) but, moreover, i discovered that the cast had changed too. and for some reason, the removal of Misty from the show really did hit me quite hard. didn;t really have much of an idea why but, as i've recently been reminded - i'm a deep thinker. and i agree with that, i spend my time thinking more than anything else about things that seem small or mundane to many others, and about myself, my personality and the personalities and feelings of others. where am i going with this? well, i was going through quite a rough patch at the time for various reasons that i will not explore here. suffice to say i was in a bad place, very depressed, and looking for a way to forget about everything that was making me feel that way.
i've come to conclude now that the reason i twigged on Pokemon and the whole Ash/Misty relationship idea was because it was something i'd never experienced in real life, was not likely to experience any time soon, but that represented the kind of emotional attachment i believe i desire above almost all things.

i actually had no idea that Pokeshipping existed. it didn't seem obvious to me at all that other people would share my feelings - i guess i wasn't used to it. but, after one or two searches on google for related topics i came across a page on Fanfiction.net entirely devoted to Pokeshipping stories - i read one, and was instantly captivated. i think i got lucky in a way - it takes a certain kind of fic to really capture me. i'm quite picky really, but the first fic i found on FF.net...i'm sorry to say i don't really remember. there are about 5 on this particular page that i really, really enjoyed and they fuelled the fire, so to speak, and made me want to do my own.

And so i continued my AaML binge. the first image search on google led me to DA and i spent several months looking through the gallery of [link] at the varying art works. again, i guess i was surprised and enthralled - not only were people putting great time and dedication into writing the stories, but people were also putting fantastic talent to work in creating fantastic works of art. looking back through the 37 pages of deviations i've added to my favourites over the 2 years i've been here, i see on page 37 the pictures i first came across, and the ones that provided me with my first non-literary inspiration to join the AaML subculture.
i look at page 36 and 37 and see the pictures that i used to have open every single night back when i began writing the Rocket Initiative and the first short fics - took great care in arranging them on my desktop so i could see every single one, and got inspiration from them. these pictures are still special to me, though i've not been back to the first pages for a long time. i like every single picture i've added. they are, by definition, favourites. however these pictures in particular hold a special place in my heart because they really did represent my life and bid for freedom, if you will, back when i was at my lowest. every night, ridiculously early in the mornings often, once i'd typed myself to exhaustion with the Rocket Initiative i would save, close word, but leave the pictures up on the desktop. i fitted them to ensure that there was no empty space on the desktop - the ultimate makeshift collage really. i'd then listen to 'Hold Her Closer' by Blessid Union of Souls (this is back when i didn't really do popular music - the only reason i discovered this band is because they did Brother My Brother from the legendary first Pokemon movie and i had a whole playlist of music from the anime at the time) whilst looking at the pictures and then, just as the song finished, hold down the power button so the last thing i saw would be those pictures.

and so this is the special place in my heart that i hold for deviantART - and a few months later, perhaps 200 or so pages into the Rocket Initiative, i joined deviantART for myself. had the misunderstanding, but then began writing more and more fanfiction. the first piece i submitted: 'a Little Bit of AaML' and the second 'AaML - Dreams' i wrote when suffering a little from writers block with TRS, and wrote them whilst reading the last Harry Potter book (was torn between beating mum to the end of the book, or finishing my own book first. in the end, i took a break from both and wrote the two short fics, but still beat mum to the end of the book) and visiting my aunt in Newcastle. they became the first literary works i submitted to DeviantART.

As i should have already stated, but may have forgotten to do so - my motivation for writing came from this desire to experience in some form a thing which i still did not really understand. i was unhappy also, i wanted a way out, and writing fanfiction presented the ideal and most satisfying opportunity to do so. however, even once i'd cheered up a bit (to which end AaML and fanfiction played a massive part) i carried on writing simply because i enjoyed it so much. i've written quite a few fics now, drawing more and more inspiration from the great Pokeshipping artists on deviantART such as MiyaToriaka,CarinaT, KateRayearth, MistyWishMaker, Sailor-Misty, JunAkera and others. also my friends and fellow writers such as Yu-Gimoto, CountSeamus, AaMLLover, ElLonelyboy, 863Lindz, Hibari-Sky, holyking160, Oriyn, SouthernRed, JoshAAML to name but a few.

Gradually however my committments and general enjoyment of outside life began to take time and effort away from writing. increasing school work was one factor but, to be honest, i believe one of the main reasons for my decreasing activity is because i found something, or rather someone, who presented all the joys i gained from writing fanfiction and so much more. And so, my committments to this person, whilst never above or beyond the calls of friendship became such a focus in my life that i didn't then need to write to escape, because there was no longer anything to escape from. This was and remains a very special person to me. anyway - despite pushing my self on a number of occasions to try and get back into writing, i simply did not feel the need or the want to do so. i was not providing myself with any inspiration, i had no drive to achieve anything more than i already had - and this leads on to the next section of what is already the longest journal entry i've ever written.

The Present

the desire to write that eluded me so long is, i believe, finally coming back. it is something that has really only clicked tonight, or last night rather given it's now approaching 4 in the morning - the stories i wrote, the fanfiction that contained so much of what i felt or desired to feel, situations i'd give many things to be in - they are fiction, and nothing more. you can claim to understand these things, the feeling and emotion that goes into what you write but, personally, it's never been much more than guess work. i have now experienced many of the feelings that go into my fanfiction, but not in their entirety, and not in the same way. my relationship with this certain person has, as i've already stated, not moved beyond the bounds of good friendship - but i'm not bitter or disappointed by this. i believe that there are many ways to care for a person, and in many different circumstances. nevertheless the realisation now that fiction is fiction, life is life - coupled with a shift in real-life circumstance that means i do not need to feel such a strong obligation to devote so much to another cause - someone's happiness - has allowed me to focus. and, i believe, my desire to write again, to delve into the fiction i;ve enjoyed writing for what feels like an age to me, is coming back.

outside of the DeviantART world - i'm about half way into my AS level examinations...going reasonably well so far really, but it does mean that my rediscovered inspiration has not come at the most convenient of times. still, fingers crossed.

the future

and so, my committment to DeviantArt which i;ve never been sure will ever recover to it's former levels, seems, for the moment at least, to be coming back to me. no matter what i feel, i'm committed to at least finishing the projects that i've let lapse - those being Old Times and Old Age, and Postcards from Far Away which is a collaborated effort between myself and AaMLLover. these i will finish, and then reassess my situation. it may be that by activity here will never reach the levels that it used to. it may be that i only visit once in a while, when i have the inspiration to write something. but i am certain that i will continue to visit and take an interest in the AaML side of DeviantART for the forseeable future.

a note about Fanfictions

i've mentioned already that i intend to continue the projects that are currently unfinished. chief of those is Old Times and Old Age, which is the fic i am feeling the most inspiration to continue. though i haven't updated it since around November time last year, i still remember what my rough plans for the next part of the story are, and intend to get to work. i'm almost reluctant though, because of what i know is going to happen in the next part...but it will happen, and i suppose the fact that i'm feeling emotion on the part of the characters involved is a good sign.

Postcards from Far Away i will add to as soon as i can. given the nature of the project, it will not be difficult to get something down reasonably quickly. sorry to any of those who have been following it for the delay.

Catch Me a Bug Pokemon 2 (?) definitely not going to be called that, but i intend to write a sequel to this fanfic, following suggestions in comments recieved about that fic. i'll get to work on that as and when i feel ready.


Dreams End

remains my most popular fic - Dreams End has currently been added to favourites 99 times. that's just one short of a century it's popularity would never have been so high though i'm sure if MiyaToriaka had not produced a fantastic work of art to go alongside the fanfic - thanks very much for that Miya




riiiiight well MASSIVE journal finished now. if there was anything else i was going to say, i've forgotten.

thanks again to all those who continue to visit my page and read my stories

AaML 4eva